Magical Moment

Swoosh…

All that I heard was the sound of the waves.
They rolled down swiftly finding its way to meet my feet.
Slowly it had drenched half of my dress.

I closed my eyes feeling the cold breeze swept the hair out of my shoulders.
I felt bit by bit my soul found a place to recover.
All the hatred, lost, hurt everything were vanished, gone without a trace.
It felt like the waves had taken everything away along with them.

The peace sensation had me calmed.
I could finally breath my problems out leaving me with ease.
I truly wanted to make this feeling permanent but my attempt of keeping was continuing to fail.

I sighed whenever the sun went down.
Sunset arrival was initialing me my time was up. It was time to go back home.
I looked around and discovered that I was alone. Everybody had left.

I tried telling myself I could come tomorrow and the day after.
However, for inexplicable reason, my feet rooted itself down to the ground.
Not wanting to leave this place.

I reluctantly commanded my feet and all the willing of staying to obey my orders.
Unfortunately, I was ignored.

Everything I did never changed the fact that I really wanted to be there.
Forever or at least when I could feel this way everyday for the rest of my life.

The crashing waves… The breeze of the wind… The soft sand burying my feet…
Every single one of them had given me a warmth feeling that no one or anything could possibly gave me.

All I want is a peace to my heart, to my life.
That’s all matters to me.
Nothing else is.

Hatred

CIE 'O' Level is driving me crazy..
I'm going nuts each day..

Although every person I met was telling me to chill, unfortunately, I couldn't do so..
I really wanted to prepare for CIE way before time.. (the only way to calm myself)

Having the thought it was getting closer each day, it's making me more nervous..
They always say that I'm overstudying or some may described as 'crazy study'..
The way they called it, it's like I was really doing something wrong..

What I want for myself is just getting high marks for my grades so I can make my parents proud!
Not going school to waste money or time..

Am I wrong to achieve my goals as student?
Why can't they see it from my point of view?
Why must they judge whatever they feel like?
Do they ever realize how does it feels to be in my position?

Looking at their faces..
See how they reacted toward my studies, it really makes me sick..
It feels like they are mocking me..
Sometimes I want to smack their brain out of their head..

Every word they utter.. Every expression they show.. Every gaze at their eyes..
It flares my rage..
It really had me annoyed.. Irritated me to death to be specific..

I don't understand them..
I just wish they can understand me..

I mean.. I'm just a person that has determination in life..
Wanting to be a person with bright future..

Am I wrong?

Friends

Have you ever felt like your life is full speed ahead of you?
Have you ever wish that somehow, you'd be given a longer time to stay with your friends?

For my answer, I’m still expecting a miracle although it's one to a million chances..

Every now and then, everything just run inexplicably fast..
Even none of us are aware that actually we are left with not much time..

Having the thought of them leaving is a suicidal feeling for me..
'good-bye' is what I can think of although Melia will slap me for that..
She really hates it when I remind her we'll be going in our separate ways soon..

I can even imagine how I'd be when they are gone..
There's only one word to describe, 'miserable'

However, when that day is upon me, there's nothing much I can do to change the future..
Their future are settled and so as mine, we're just have to stay put and move on..
Hoping we'll get over it even if it'll take a long time..

Few years pass and we'll get older..

Perhaps..

we'll wallow in memories of long-gone high school days..
Missing our old times..
Having to realize how ridiculous we look when we're young..
Having all those thoughts right now really bring tears to my eyes..

I'm sad to the day awaits me..
I'm afraid to lose my friends..
I'm not comfortable in feeling like I'll soon be left alone.. friendless..

Lots have been changing in my life and I demand no more changes..
I just want everything just be simple and normal..
Why can't it be that simple?

For one thing for sure, I'll miss them..
How about you?

Growing Up

23rd March 2009 (9:00 am)

"I've given one more chance to prove that I’m not the kind of person I used to be. I can CHANGE and I WILL!" the words echoed and echoed in my ears.

I'm a true crybaby..
I cried for almost everything.. Even over the simplest things!
I promise myself it would be the last of it..
Starting now, I'm NO longer a crybaby!

I've learn that real courage was in facing and overcoming
fear and NOT by crying over spill milk..

Time over time purpose of life supposedly to seek pleasure and avoid pain but my life works the other way around..

Everything I've seen in life is a wrong judgment..

All these time, the problem was in ME..
By changing myself, I hope I’ll find a better life or at least to find a better me..

I've been extremely vicious and intimidating for some people..
For my unpleasant attitude I apologize..

From now onward,
I'm a reborn Caroline..
I've discovered my mistakes and I won't make the same mistakes twice..

Today is the start of my new life..
The flip of a new page.. The beginning of everything..
I'm ready to shout to the world saying, ‘I've learn my mistakes! I’ll grow up!'

Nothing can stop me from this attempt of mine..
Everything will change.. I confirm myself..

Smile all the way..

Always start your day with a smile :D [contribution from Joss]

My new motto,

'Smiling Everyday Keeps The
Troubles Away' :P

XOXO

I'll be back for more! ^^

Excruciating Reminder

21st March 2009

Someone came up to me..

As the words began to fill my entire being, my heart couldn't bear another strike..
Perhaps I had myself prepared to face this upsetting fact, but it seemed my heart didn't do much the job..
The only thing could be concluded in this situation was 'truth hurts'..
I couldn't deny it as well as every person who visited my blog..

My heart was then broken into two..
Void filled my heart but hope lingered with me telling me to stay strong..

Heavy-heartedly,
I thanked the person for their honesty although my heart was raining in tears..
With big fake smiles saying, 'I'm fine' while deep inside I’m bleeding..

This situation had us in awkward positions..

As my memory rested at the fact I knew I had it coming,
I questioned myself for being painfully hurt..

'Why would those words burn like an acid in my heart when I know it's coming?'

Phone rang..
Gone once.. twice.. trice..
I didn't answer any of those calls..

My strength was yanked by the terrifying possibility of the future..
I didn't want anything to change..
I wanted everything went back to normal.. I wanted to be strong!
However, I couldn’t do so..
'What is the matter with me?'

I didn't want any apologize..
I just wanted a time-out.. A place for me to pull myself together..
I knew they just wanted to help, to make a better me..
I was sorry for being childish but I couldn't help it myself..
My emotions were out of control, wild like a hunger tiger finally freed from its cage..

As time had cleared my mind,
I discovered only true friends would take such risk to make me realize something I don't..
They are my 'real' friends..

Even if the process was extremely excruciating, it had opened my eyes and changed me..

For their 'slap in the face' reminder..
Not mentioning harsh and hurtful, I want to say, 'Thank You!'..

Peace.. ^^

XOXO
CC = Caroline Cullen
Ha!

Dreadful Day

Today seemed slower than any other day.. it was a very dreadful day!!

'I sensed trouble and MORE trouble i got..'

It appeared out of nowhere..
Suddenly everything just turned out wrong.. Tension was built and situation got awkward..
I really didn't know how to restrain myself for not being mad at 'them'..
However, rage overwhelmed me and controlled me instead..
May some words just came out sharp.. I might somehow hurt 'their' feelings..
I didn't even realize it myself until 'they' expressed 'their' responds..
My anger suddenly vanished upon looking at 'them'..
It seemed like i misunderstood them.. or did I?

Soon, after a while.. when my thoughts were clear.. I was thinking..
'How if this whole thing is my fault?'
Reviewing the situation, i thought again and realized it wasn't my all my FAULTS but 'theirs' too..
'Am i being selfish or am i being FAIR?'
i didn't figure out which was which but i was hoping tomorrow 'we' could forget and forgive..

just like old-times.. i hoped this time will also be next time..

As i wish upon my unsolved problems, there are LOTS of other things for me to worry..
Ms Bella's chem workbook..

it is like a personal hell to me.. I am not talking nonsense but it's true..

Not mentioning the furious Mr G in our class today.. WOW.. It was really creeping me out..
He got so emotional with eyeballs sticking out at us.. Creepy and unpleasant..

Not a single one of us dared to move or even looked at him.. unbelivable..
Sometimes i wondered..
'Will Mr G be this frightening around his GF?'

Talking about exams had stressed me out already..
Ms Bella had given us not ONLY me much headache as she mentioned there was MORE coverage in CIE 'O' LEVEL.. pressure much..!!

Thinking about studies and conflicts had gotten me wore off..
I should enjoy my 'freedom'.. at least taking break from week of exams..
but NO!! geography homework just added up my pressure.. DOUBLE!!

One for chemistry and one for geography.. what more can torture me??

maths?? hmm.. not so much..

What a suicidal attempt! Not for physical but for mental!!

Pressure, pressure, pressure..

i didn't feel like talking anymore..

lots to talk but so little time..
lots to study but so little time..
same concept but different contents..

Anyway, need some slp..
Be back for more..

Later

XOXO
CC is in the house!